Crash & Burn
by ObiGirl
Summary: I know it’s been done, but meh. Post Anakin’s turning, Padmé feels alone and trapped, and looks for a way out. May become an Obidala fic, not sure yet.


Title: Crash & Burn  
  
Summary: I know it's been done, but meh. Post Anakin's turning, Padmé feels alone and trapped, and looks for a way out. May become an Obidala fic, not sure yet.  
  
Rating: I'll say PG-13 to be safe  
  
Warnings: Themes of depression and suicide, references to violence  
  
Content: Angst, hurt/comfort, set sometime during Episode III I guess, just after Anakin turns.   
  
Disclaimer: OK, you all know the score - I own nothing, George Lucas owns Obi-Wan, Padmé, Anakin and all Star Wars characters, rights reserved by Lucasfilm, etc etc etc :) The song 'Crash and Burn' is owned by Savage Garden and I make no claim to the lyrics, I just borrow them :)  
  
OK, well this is a piece which I was inspired to write while listening to Savage Garden's 'Crash & Burn', and it's basically a songfic to those lyrics. I'm intending on doing more than one chapter, depending on how good a response I get from you guys ;). So please R/R, no flames please, always happy to receive constructive criticism though.   
  
  
  
*~* Crash & Burn *~*  
  
~When you feel all alone~  
  
Padmé raced through the darkened hallways of the palace which she called her home, praying that she wouldn't run into anybody. She was well aware of her dishevelled appearance, and she knew that any passer-by would stop her, shocked to see the calm, poised Senator in such a state. Her thick, dark hair had almost come out of its bun, and most of it was now hanging limply round her tearstained face. Her eyes were red from the tears that she wouldn't let herself cry, for fear that she would never stop once she had begun.   
  
~And the world has turned its back on you~  
  
Ever since Anakin had fallen to the dark side, Padmé had been trying to maintain a cool, calm exterior, whilst battling the raging inferno of emotions rising within her. She had not spoken to anyone properly ever since he had gone, and no-one had tried to approach her. Because no-one cares, she thought to herself. She had been spending so much time with Anakin lately, desperately trying to hold their crumbling relationship together, that she had isolated herself from almost everyone else. The only ones who spoke to her nowadays were strangers, or as good as - servants, members of the senate, the odd member of some distant council. Strangers, all strangers.  
  
~Give me a moment please, to tame your wild wild heart~  
All of these people knew Senator Amidala, the powerful, capable, untouchable Senator. They didn't know the real her, they didn't know Padmé. Padmé, she realised, was weak. Padmé had failed. Padmé had lost Anakin to the dark side, unable to save him. Padmé was the one left pregnant with two children, and no-one in the world who cared for her. Padmé had no reason to keep going anymore, nowhere to turn, no-one to confide in. She was alone.  
  
~I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you~  
  
It hadn't always been like this. There was a time when she had had many friends and loved ones, there was a time when she had lived life to the full - there was a time, long ago, when she had been happy. But soon after she had married Anakin, she began to realise that their future wasn't the beautiful fairytale she had envisioned. He had started to seem distant, going away for long periods and not telling her where he had been. She had told herself that she was being foolish, that Anakin was entitled to his privacy, but she couldn't lie to herself for long. He soon began to scare her, always acting so possessively towards her, saying that he would kill anyone who touched her. Though she hadn't admitted it to herself at the time, she had begun to dread having to see him.  
  
~It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold~  
  
The first time he struck her, they had both been shocked. For a while afterwards, he was so loving, so sweet - he began to return to the Anakin she had once known and loved. But this didn't last long. Soon he was beating her on a regular basis - it seemed to be like a kind of therapy for him - after her had hit her he seemed almost normal again for a while. And she let him work out his fury on her, living and breathing for the few precious hours she knew were coming afterwards, when it felt right and safe to be with Anakin again.   
  
~When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore~  
  
One night, when Anakin had come home drunk, he had beaten her worse than ever before, until there was barely an inch of her body that was not black and blue. That night she had run. She had not packed anything, she had simply waited for Anakin to fall asleep, and she had run away. She had never forgiven herself for that. Because after spending a long, cold night on the streets of Naboo, she had arrived back to find Anakin gone, and Obi-Wan waiting to tell her that he had gone forever, gone to the dark side, left his life, his duty and her behind.   
  
~Let me be the one you call~  
  
Thinking of Obi-Wan, she almost thought twice about what she had decided - that no-one cared about her. Even when things with Anakin were at their worst, Obi-Wan had always been there. Padmé had always trusted him, though she had never confided in him, or anyone, about what had happened to her and Anakin's relationship. But just by being there, by understanding Anakin as well as she did, by not leaving her and not demanding anything of her, Obi-Wan had given her some hope. But now it was all different. It was her fault that Anakin had turned to darkness - if she had read the signs sooner she would, should have been able to help him. And Anakin had been Obi-Wan's padawan, he had cared deeply for him, he would hardly thank her for letting him fall to the dark side. In any case, what would he want in any real way with her? He was one of the greatest, most renowned Jedi masters in the galaxy - and she was…nothing. She was no more than a weak little girl who played the part of a strong, capable Senator. She wasn't strong, she wasn't capable - if she had been then Anakin would still be with her, in the light, thoughts of the dark side non-existent in his mind. Obi-Wan would want nothing more to do with her, and she didn't blame him.  
  
~ If you jump I'll break your fall~  
  
She had reached her chambers now. Dashing through the door, she raced across the room, flung the full-length glass doors open, and stepped out onto the balcony. She had always loved this balcony - there was a perfect view of almost everything she loved about Naboo - the sparkling crystal water, the brilliant blue skies, and the luscious green trees, which added to the air of peace and tranquillity that she had always found so soothing about her home. She had shared many happy times with Anakin on this balcony - talking, laughing, making plans for their future. A fine future it was, she thought sadly, taking a few steps closer to the edge of the balcony. No peace today, no laughter or feeling of tranquillity - she couldn't remember feeling anything of the kind for some time now.   
  
~Lift you up and fly away with you into the night~  
  
She had reached the edge of the balcony now, standing behind the decorative balustrade that separated her from the open air outside. Just like the bars that have kept me trapped all my life, she thought. Ever since she could remember, she had been controlled, trapped, closed in, by the regulations and restrictions that surrounded the high positions she had served all her life. Now, finally, she was in control of her own destiny.   
  
~If you need to fall apart~  
  
Putting one hand on the cold stone balustrade, she used her other hand to pull herself up and onto the rail. Holding onto a thick stone pillar for support, she looked out at the dark sky. She felt the cold night air swirling round her, blowing her dishevelled hair back, away from her face. And then, alone, she cried, leaning her face against the hard, unyielding stone, which offered her no comfort nor protection. Tears still running down her face, she looked out at the night again. She was in control now. She knew this, but she also knew that as long as she was alive, as long as she was Padmé Amidala, she was always under observation, always controlled in some way by what others wanted and expected of her. Looking downwards, she strained her eyes, trying to see the ground, but all she saw was darkness.  
  
~I can mend a broken heart~  
  
She imagined what it would be like to jump, to let go, to simply give herself up to the cold night. The tranquil air beneath the balcony beckoned to her, offering the comfort and freedom that she had yearned for so long. She leaned against the pillar again, the world spinning before her eyes. One step. That was all it would take. One step and she would be free, free from responsibility, free from expectations, free from life itself. She would be at peace, finally.   
  
~If you need to crash then crash and burn~  
  
Padmé swallowed, feeling the tears rising up again, fuelled by the indecision and fear and pain. She couldn't stand it, not anymore, she couldn't stand keeping it all inside. There was too much for that, too many blazing, raging emotions to stifle any more. She was ready to break, ready to fall apart and let go of everything. One step. One step and it would be over. Do it Padmé . She drew a shuddering breath, and drew herself upright, using only one hand to steady herself. She let the other hand reach out, reach towards the divine freedom that would be hers soon. Do it. One step.   
  
~You're not alone~  
  
She cursed herself - now that she finally had the opportunity to take control of her own destiny, she didn't have the courage to do it. She looked down again, down into the impenetrable darkness that could be her route to salvation, if only she would take her chance. What's keeping you?, she asked herself. No-one's going to miss you, you don't mean anything to anyone now, you've turned the two people you care most about against you - first Anakin, and as a result Obi-Wan. More tears ran freely down her face, and she let them fall into the darkness. Take that last, crucial step. Do it.   
Taking one more deep breath, she braced herself. Slowly, she began to slide her one supporting hand away from the pillar that was keeping her balanced, letting go of her last lifeline.   
  
~When you feel all alone~  
  
Obi-Wan's breath caught in his throat as he stepped onto the balcony and saw Padmé . He had come to her chambers to try and talk to her - having barely spoken to her since Anakin's betrayal a few days ago, he knew that they needed to talk. But nothing could have prepared him for this. Padmé was standing precariously on the balustrade, holding on with only one hand to a stone pillar. A wave of panic rose inside him as he saw her leaning forward, as if about to let go. His first impulse was to rush forward and pull her back, away from the long, dark fall that awaited her beneath the balcony, but he could not. It was as if he was frozen in place, unable to move or think straight at all. No. No. All he was whisper her name hoarsely.  
'Padmé'.  
  
~And a loyal friend is hard to find~  
  
She turned, shock registering on her face when she saw him standing there. As he looked into her tearstained face, it was as if he suddenly found his voice again.  
'Padmé, don't do this.'  
'Obi-Wan, I…' He began to move closer to her, and she withdrew, her back pressed up against the cold stone of the pillar. 'Don't come any closer' she said, almost in a whisper. She had intended it to be a command, but it came out more as if she were pleading.  
'Padmé, please, you don't want to do this.'  
'Don't tell me what I want!' she cried. 'I didn't want my husband to turn to the dark side because of me! I didn't want my entire life to be twisted and destroyed! I didn't want to turn you and everyone else against me! But one thing I've learnt by now is that what you want doesn't matter!'  
  
~You're caught in a one-way street~  
  
Obi-Wan was overcome by the strongest feeling of guilt he could ever remember experiencing. Did Padmé really think that he had turned against her? Was she blaming herself for what had happened to Anakin? He cursed himself - why in the name of the Sith hadn't he come to see her sooner, immediately after she received the news? Why had he left it so long?   
'Padmé, I'm sorry' he said eventually. 'I'm so sorry'. She frowned slightly.   
'Why?' she asked, in sincere confusion.  
'I've been so wrapped up in my own grief about Anakin, I've barely given a thought to how you must be feeling - I knew I should have come sooner, but I…' He trailed off.   
'You had every right to be concerned for yourself Obi-Wan!' Padmé exclaimed. 'I'm perfectly capable of handling this alone…or I should have been.' She turned her head away, letting another tear fall as she thought of how she had failed.   
  
~With the monsters in your head~  
  
'No, you shouldn't. You cannot cope with this alone, and neither can I. That's why I came to you tonight - I needed to talk to someone who understood, and who needed to as much as I did. As strong as you are Padmé, no-one is strong enough to deal with this alone.' He was trying to keep the calm tone in his voice, but he felt increasing panic watching Padmé so close to the edge, in a position where it would be so easy for her to let go and fall to her death. He knew that the only way to help her was to try and persuade her to come down, and that meant he had to stay calm, no matter how terrified he felt at seeing her in such danger.  
  
~When hopes and dreams are far away~  
  
'Strong?' Padmé cried, turning to face him again. 'How can you say that Obi-Wan? How can you say that I'm strong, when it's clear I'm anything but? Someone strong would not have ended up where I am. If I was strong, I wouldn't have let Anakin fall to darkness, I would have been able to help him. But I couldn't! I didn't do enough, I wasn't sensitive enough to how he was feeling, and now it's too late!' She was crying in earnest now, not caring or trying to suppress the tears any longer.   
  
~And you feel like you can't face the day~  
  
'Padmé, please listen to me. You are not to blame. Please believe that - if we're trying to place blame away from Anakin, I'm just as much at fault as you - I was his master! But neither of us are to blame. If this was Anakin's destiny, there is nothing either of us could have done to stop it.'  
Padmé drew a shuddering breath, as more silent tears slid down her pale face. 'You are one of the strongest people I know, you always have been. No matter how much you deny that to yourself, it won't change. You stand up for what is right, not for what is best for yourself, which in itself is a very courageous thing. You don't give things up without a fight - the way you led Naboo to victory when you were Queen proved that - and you never take the easy way out if there is a better alternative. Please don't change that now Padmé, don't give up now.'  
  
~Let me be the one you call~  
  
'What better alternative is there?' she asked wildly. 'The alternative is to continue as I have up to now, being Senator Amidala, keeping my feelings inside to maintain my cold mask! I can't do that any more Obi-Wan, I can't! I'm so tired of all these feelings, I just want to let them out, be free!'  
'This isn't the only way.' Obi-Wan said quietly. 'But if it's the only way you see, then it is also the path I must take.' He took a step forward, joining her at the very edge of the balcony.  
'What?' Padmé asked.  
  
~If you jump I'll break your fall~  
  
'If you are gone Padmé, there will be nothing in this world left for me. You are the only one who understands Anakin as well as I do, probably even better. You're the only one I can talk to, the only one I trust. You are my only hope, and without you I have none. So if you let go, I will let go with you. If you fall, I fall too.' Obi-Wan looked up at her, his gaze fixed on her beautiful face. 'Either we both die out here tonight, or we both go back inside to safety and try to help each other through this. It's up to you.'   
  
~Lift you up and fly away with you into the night~  
  
Padmé looked out at the darkness, the unyielding black abyss which had seemed so inviting moments ago. Now all it brought to her was fear. The night air now seemed cruel and icy, with none of the tranquillity that it seemed to offer her earlier. She looked back at Obi-Wan, who was watching her intently. As she gazed into his face, his coffee-coloured eyes fixed on her hazel ones, she felt something inside her give in. Because she didn't want to let go, didn't want to embrace the darkness any longer. She wanted to feel safe, and warm, and loved, three things that she had not felt ever since Anakin began to turn against her.   
  
~If you need to fall apart~  
  
As Padmé gazed back at him, Obi-Wan saw the exact moment when she turned away from the darkness, saw the moment when she began to fall apart. Wordlessly, she turned towards him, her back to the empty darkness. He held out his hand, and she took it, carefully stepping down from the balustrade. And then she broke. Her final shield was stripped away, leaving only raw, untended wounds, and she fell apart.   
  
~I can mend a broken heart~  
  
The tears began again, harder than ever before, and with them came sobs. Obi-Wan drew Padmé into his arms, as he did so lowering them both to a sitting position on the ground. Padmé felt Obi-Wan pull her close, and she fell gratefully into his embrace, burying her face into his thick robes. Obi-Wan held her close as she cried into his shoulder, letting her cry out all the pain and heartache and fear that had been building up, which she had kept inside for so long. Wrenching sobs shook the petite body as Padmé held on tightly to the Jedi, never wanting to let go, never wanting to leave the comfort and safety that she found in his embrace.   
  
~If you need to crash then crash and burn~  
  
For a while they simply sat like that - even after Padmé's sobs quietened, they did not let each other go. Both seemed so content in each other's arms that there was no reason for them to say or do anything. Eventually, Padmé spoke.  
'I'm sorry' she said quietly, her voice muffled by Obi-Wan's cloak.  
'Why?' he asked.  
'For this. For acting so irrationally.'  
'No.' Padmé lifted her head slightly to look at him.  
'What do you mean, no?'  
'I mean…don't be sorry. Please don't be sorry, you've been hiding everything for so long, don't be sorry to let it go now.' Padmé choked on another sob, trying to control her crazed, mixed up emotions.   
  
~You're not alone~  
  
'I just feel so…angry. Angry at everything, the whole world' she cried, turning away. 'I hate Anakin! I hate the dark side! Most of all I hate myself! I hate myself for letting this happen, for not being strong enough! I hate it!' With this, Padmé swung her fist into the nearby pillar, crying out in pain when it connected. She hit the unyielding stone again, almost savouring the pain that she felt - the physical pain was a distraction from the emotional torture she was feeling, and it felt good, though her eyes watered and her knuckle burned, the pain felt good. She swung out at the pillar again.  
  
~Because there's always been heartache and pain~  
  
'Padmé, stop!' Obi Wan grabbed onto her, stopping her from injuring herself any further. She struggled in his grip, turning round to face him and hitting out at him too, too agitated to care or even notice. She hit out again and again, enjoying the feeling of power - Anakin had hit her, now the tables had been turned, it was her doing the hurting and it felt good, good and so terrible at the same time. Obi-Wan didn't attempt to retaliate in any way, simply blocking her wild onslaught as best he could without hurting her.   
  
~And when it's over you'll breathe again~  
  
Suddenly, Obi-Wan failed to anticipate a blow in time, and it connected, her fist striking his jaw with immense force. He recoiled, holding onto his injured jaw. Padmé froze, unable to move or speak. All the counterfeit pleasure she had found in hitting out was gone, as she was overwhelmed by guilt, unable to believe what she had done. She knew that she had not seriously injured him - she was no match for him in strength, but she had still hit him, hit him for no reason at all. She had hit the one who had offered so much strength and support, who hadn't judged her for her actions, who had just saved her life. She eventually found her voice.  
'Obi-Wan…I…I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to…' Her voice was strained, stammering, as her entire body shook with guilt and fear and disbelief. She had done it again, she had turned on Obi-Wan, let him down again. 'I didn't…I'm sorry' she cried, once more unable to hold back her tears.  
  
~You'll breathe again~  
  
'It's alright' Obi-Wan said quietly, pulling her close again, and she leant against him weakly, letting her tears fall silently onto his shoulder.. 'It's alright Padmé' he whispered, stroking her hair soothingly as she clung to him.   
After a while, Obi-Wan led Padmé inside, keeping his arm around her shoulders. She sank onto the bed weakly, still leaning against Obi-Wan. 'You need to rest' he said softly. She simply nodded - she was exhausted.   
  
~Let me be the one you call~  
  
Padmé pulled back the silken bedcovers and slid into bed, both savouring the feel of the soft mattress and missing the warm arms that had comforted her at the same time. Obi-Wan knelt beside her, and she took his hand in hers, feeling comforted just from that small amount of contact. There were so many things she wanted to say to him at that moment, but she couldn't find the right words, so she simply gazed at him, hoping he could see the gratitude and warmth in her eyes.   
  
~If you jump I'll break your fall~  
  
After a minute or so, Obi-Wan stood up, gently letting go of Padmé's hand.   
'I'll let you rest' he said quietly.   
'Wait' she said softly. She swallowed slightly, nervous in spite of herself to make the request. 'Would you…would you mind…staying with me for a while?' She looked up at him, her eyes pleading.   
  
~If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart~  
  
Obi-Wan nodded, his eyes gazing tenderly into hers.  
'Of course I will stay' he said. She smiled gratefully at him as he slid into the bed beside her.   
  
~If you need to crash then crash and burn~  
  
She moved into his arms again, but this time it was different, there was no anger, no tears, just the security and warmth. Padmé knew that it would be a long time before the wounds from Anakin's betrayal healed, but unlike earlier tonight, she now had some hope that she would get through it eventually. She snuggled closer to Obi-Wan, closing her eyes and allowing herself to forget everything as she drifted into sleep, safe in the arms of someone she loved and trusted.  
  
~You're not alone~  
  
  
*~*  
  
So what did you think? ^_^ Was it good or should I quit while I'm ahead? Please give me feedback, constructive criticism, just no flames please. Also, I'm not sure whether to turn this into an Obidala fic, or just keep it as friends, I'm leaning towards Obidala, but what do you guys think? Please let me know ^_^  
BTW, in case any of you were wondering why Obi-Wan couldn't intercept Padme's blow, I put it down to the fact that he was more focussed on stopping her injuring herself than him, plus his reflexes might have been slowed because he was so worried for her or something - eh, OK, it's not great reasoning, put it down to artistic license on my part if you prefer ;) 


End file.
